ABOVE: Father Tim Jones of the Church of England. Used to be when you invited the pastor over for dinner, you didn’t have to count the silverware afterward.

The BBC informs us (in a story I am for some reason unable to link to – so go look it up) that a priest in Britain has told his flock “God’s love for the poor and despised outweighs the property rights of the rich” – so if times are truly desperate, steal what you need from your local Wal-Mart.

Or any other big corporation, just so long as “they do not steal from small family businesses, but from large national businesses — knowing that the costs are ultimately passed on to the rest of us in the form of higher prices.”

From the Project’s website, we learn:

Socialistic terminology permeates English translations of the Bible, without justification. This improperly encourages the “social justice” movement among Christians. For example, the conservative word “volunteer” is mentioned only once in the ESV, yet the socialistic word “comrade” is used three times, “laborer(s)” is used 13 times, “labored” 15 times, and “fellow” (as in “fellow worker”) is used 55 times.

Now as someone with a B.A. in English and an interest in politics, I’ve always found the propaganda potential in word choice very real and interesting. Still, I’m unconvinced words like “laborer” and “worker” are so much Leftist vocab as they are common words that Leftists have simply run into the ground.

But hey, who knows? Maybe better alternatives do exist – so out of curiosity I jumped onto Thesaurus.com to find a few synonyms they might prefer, then decided to try inserting them in a sample verse.

I chose 1 Timothy 5:18 (ESV): “The laborer deserves his wages.” Clearly runs afoul of the CBP’s standards, so let’s see what we can do with it, shall we?

“The worker deserves his wages.” Hmm. No, that’s definitely no better, is it?

“The blue collar deserves his wages.” Oof, no. Even worse. The United Auto Workers could put it on a poster.

“The drudge deserves his wages.” Apolitical, but seems a little insulting. Looking down the list I also see “peon” and “grunt”, neither of which I feel any better about.

“The farmhand deserves his wages.” Too narrow.

“The stiff deserves his wages.” Too on the nose.

“The wage-earner deserves his wages.” Redundant?

“The migrant worker deserves his wages.” Uncomfortably pro-immigration.

“The grunt deserves his wages.” I told you they were further down the list.

“The manual worker deserves his wages.” If we could only get rid of that darned ‘w’ word. Replace it with “technician”, maybe – but I suppose that would be what the Conservative Bible Project calls “liberal wordiness”.

“The jobholder deserves his wages.” OK, this is technically perfect, but doesn’t it sound like it came out of the company manual instead of God’s Word? Ditto for “staff member” and the like. I just want something with a bit more soul.

Shoot. Well, I’ve been through most of the modern synonyms the online thesaurus has to offer, and I haven’t found any I think would really communicate the proper capitalist spirit in a striking fashion. I guess for me the words “laborer” and “worker” are justified. Maybe the good folk at the Conservative Bible Project are a little more inventive than me, though.

Come to think of it, to believe what they do I guess they’d have to be.

Heh. Related story..

The main advantage of the Kindle over the iPhone is actually the fact that it’s not a phone; do you realize how high you jump when you’re sitting in a quiet place deeply into a horror novel, and right at the scariest part, the damn thing RINGS at you?!

Get a complimentary 2007 personal forecast from Bethea Jenner

But Partridge’s ordeal was only beginning. It’s reported that he woke up the morning of his death to the sound of the church bell announcing his passing. Before long, he was visited by an undertaker looking to prepare his home, and later by the church sexton seeking orders for the funeral sermon. Throughout the day a string of mourners, funeral workers, and church officials were shooed from the cobbler’s door.

Partridge would frequently be stopped on the street for inquiries into how his widow was coping, or to be chided for lacking the decency to be properly buried. The old astrologer had no shortage of enthusiastic enemies willing to perpetuate the myth of his death, and the more literarily inclined among them — some the past victims of Partridge’s own predictions — set about printing additional denials and confirmations of his passing, adding to the confusion. Some of these forgeries were released under Partridge’s own name, making it difficult to separate his genuine protests from the comically-enhanced accounts of his imposters.

DOT Creates New Lane For Reckless Drivers

WASHINGTON—Secretary of Transportation Mary Peters unveiled a new $270 billion federal project Monday to build special lanes for dangerous and careless drivers on most major U.S. highways.

“These new lanes are for the millions of drivers who can’t be bothered with speed limits, turn signal use, or not careening madly out into oncoming traffic,” Peters said during the opening ceremony for the first reckless-driving route, a steeply banked, guardrail-lined on-ramp to I-395 outside Arlington, VA. “Whether hell-bent on putting themselves and everyone around them in danger or just drunk off their gourds and out for a simple joyride, America’s reckless will no longer be forced to putter along with careful, conscientious, considerate citizens.”

This couch is an exact replica of an Aston Martin DB6 rear end. It’s painted in a classic Aston Martin color, Silver Birch. The red leather is finished off with a Y-stitch on each cushion. Polished to perfection, this couch would look good in a garage full of Astons. You might not want to put this work of art in the garage though, at over $7,300 the thought of accidentally getting a little grease on the car couch might make you think twice. The limited edition couch comes with an engraved number plate and is available in any color scheme you would like. Matching headrests are not included.

We’re rich enough that someone can make a couch that looks like a cars. Not only can the bright entrepreneur sell said couch, he can make a profit on it as well!

Next up: If enough people to buy the couch, competitors will enter the market in search of similar profits. As supply rises, prices will decrease. Soon, everyone can own their piece of an Aston Martin DB6. Start buying people — I want my cheap DB6 couch!

And it came to pass, in the fourth day of the sixth month, that Noah settled in the land of Massachusettes. And behold, the LORD spake unto Noah and said, “Again hath the earth become wicked, and it repenteth me that ever I made man, and behold, I see the end of all flesh before me. In three years, I shall cause to open the floodgates of heaven, and every living thing that walks on the earth shall perish. But thou, Noah, shalt build thee an ark, and thou and thy family shall I save. Thou shalt take onto the ark two of every living kind of animal; male and female shalt thou take onto the ark with thee, and thus shall I replenish the earth when after I have caused the waters to recede and the dry land again to appear.”

And God did give Noah plans for the ark. And God said, “On this day three years hence shall I come to you again. Be thou ready.”

And it came to pass that on the appointed day God returned to Noah, in dark clouds and great wind. But Noah was found standing alone before his tent, weeping in dismay, for there was no ark.

And God waxed wroth, and demanded of Noah that he justify himself before God. And Noah pleaded for God’s mercy, saying, “Oh LORD, thou knowest that I am now a stranger in the strange land of Massachusettes. And I began to build the ark as thou didst command. But the rulers of this land demanded of me a building permit, and the marshall of fires required of me that I install a sprinkler system, and my neighbors did brandish before mine eyes the covenants of building and did show therein restrictions of height. Therefore did I seek justice from the Development Appeal Board; but they have scheduled my hearing for next month.”

There’s more. And I love the ending…