Minor Thoughts from me to you

The forecast for every day of the 2008 Olympics in Beijing is Sunny.

Because the Chinese army will be firing rockets at any clouds that dare to undermine full enjoyment of the spectacle, according to the Daily Mail. The paper writes:

"Boffins have come up with a cunning plan to force the heavens to open by firing chemical-infused rockets at storm clouds, forcing them to burst before the set-piece spectacle gets underway."

This is why I always say you need multiple perspectives on an issue. Who but the officials of China's government would have considered shooting the weather? It takes a special kind of mind to think like that - the kind of mind, for instance, which would also ban Buddhist monks from reincarnating without government permission, or allows for its people to meet at official churches, just so long as they never suggest that Jesus is coming back.

I haven't walked into a bar in a couple of months.

My contract with a Christian boarding school specifically forbids it.

But, that just makes jokes about walking into them even more special, so it is with a level of untempered mirth usually reserved for fat people that I now direct you to Postscripts, an "online large-print magazine" which has recently seen fit to publish an exhaustive list of bar jokes.

Wait! No! Come back! They're actually funny! Really, I promise!

Unless you don't think the following are funny, in which case I'll take no responsibility for the soul you've blackened:

A pair of battery jumper cables walk into a bar. The bartender says, "You can come in here, but you better not start anything!"

A grasshopper hops into a bar. The bartender says, "You're quite a celebrity around here. We've even got a drink named after you." The grasshopper says, "You've got a drink named Steve?"

A guy walks into a bar in Cork, in Ireland, and asks the barman: "What's the quickest way to get to Dublin?" "Are you walking or driving?" asks the barman. "Driving," says a man. "That's the quickest way," says the barman.

A baby seal walks into a bar. "What can I get you?" asks the bartender. "Anything but a Canadian Club," replies the seal.

A little pig goes into a bar and orders ten drinks. He finishes them and the bartender says, "Don't you want to know where the toilet is?" The pig says, "No, thanks, I go wee-wee-wee all the way home."

René Descartes is in a bar at closing time. The bartender asks him if he'd like another drink. Descartes says, "I think not," and he disappears.

Have fun.

And while you're at it, you may wish to read Postscript's other articles on the subject of humor (the list of bar-jokes is sixth entry in a series), specifically the first article ("Anatomy of a Sense of Humor: What's So Funny?"). In it, Postscripts repeats the findings of Dr. Richard Wiseman, who held an absolutely gigantic international survey via the world wide web - integrating over two-million entries - in order to find out if nationalities' senses of humor vary.

Turns out they do - and surprise, surprise: out of the eleven nationalities surveyed, Germans have the best sense of humor. According to Dr. Wiseman, we'll laugh at just about anything.

Those of you who know me personally are thinking right now that this explains a lot.

Canadians, interestingly enough, displayed the weakest senses of humor out of all nationalities polled - unless you count the Japanese, who apparently don't have a joke-telling culture.

I am informed that the first five minutes of comedian Drew Volle's debut at The Ice House, one of the more famous comedy clubs in L.A., is now posted up on YouTube.

Reasons to check him out:

(A) He's funny (always a good reason to watch a comedian). A testament to this is how quickly he's risen onto the professional scene: within months, he's gone from the open-mic nights to receiving invitations from The Comedy Store. That's pretty impressive.

(B) He's my brother.

As I type out these words, Economist.com (my very favorite news magazine) has up an article concerning the root causes of suicide as a social phenomenon, which includes this statement: "Suicide rates have been rising in India, especially among the young, and over a third of those who kill themselves are under 30 years old."

Let's just all let that sentence sink in for a moment. Then let's all wonder what the writer of this story was thinking when he wrote it. The reporter is inviting us to be impressed that somewhere just over 30% of suicides occur... among people finished with at least 30-40% of their lifespans.

Which might lead those of us not "analytically-challenged" to suppose that suicides are either evenly spread across the spectrum of age in India, or there is actually a low rate of incident among the young in that country. Which would be good! Right?

Now this is interesting; famous pornography king Larry Flynt, publisher of such luminous periodicals as_ Hustler_, has offered up to $1 million dollars for documented evidence of an extramarital affair with any high-ranking political official in the U.S. - senators, congresspeople, mayors of big cities, and (naturally) presidential or vice-presidential nominees.

According to FOXNews, this isn't even the first time Flynt has placed a bounty on politicians' hanky panky; in 1998 (remember what happened that year?) he let out a similar net, and successfully caught a very big fish: Rep. Bob Livingston, R-La., who - if not for having to fall on his sword when he learned Flynt was investigating him - would almost certainly have become Speaker of the House.

Every male has a little voice inside his head (Satan's, presumably) telling him that there must be some good in the pornography industry somewhere. Apparently this is it.

I think the Bible is packed with humor. I also think that the humor isn't always obvious. I was reading in Luke last night and read something that made me laugh. Because I paid for this mic, I'm going to share it with you.

First, the background. The story revolves around the Jewish temple and the Jewish religious calendar. The Jewish Virtual Library has an article on the temple, giving the relevant background:

As glorious and elaborate as the Temple was, its most important room contained almost no furniture at all. Known as the Holy of Holies (Kodesh Kodashim), it housed the two tablets of the Ten Commandments. Unfortunately, the tablets disappeared when the Babylonians destroyed the Temple, and during the Second Temple era, the Holy of Holies was a small, entirely bare room. Only once a year, on Yom Kippur, the High Priest would enter this room and pray to God on Israel's behalf. A remarkable monologue by a Hasidic rabbi in the Yiddish play The Dybbuk conveys a sense of what the Jewish throngs worshiping at the Temple must have experienced during this ceremony:

God's world is great and holy. The holiest land in the world is the land of Israel. In the land of Israel the holiest city is Jerusalem. In Jerusalem the holiest place was the Temple, and in the Temple the holiest spot was the Holy of Holies.... There are seventy peoples in the world. The holiest among these is the people of Israel. The holiest of the people of Israel is the tribe of Levi. In the tribe of Levi the holiest are the priests. Among the priests, the holiest was the High Priest.... There are 354 days in the [lunar] year. Among these, the holidays are holy. Higher than these is the holiness of the Sabbath. Among Sabbaths, the holiest is the Day of Atonement, the Sabbath of Sabbaths.... There are seventy languages in the world. The holiest is Hebrew. Holier than all else in this language is the holy Torah, and in the Torah the holiest part is the Ten Commandments. In the Ten Commandments the holiest of all words is the name of God.... And once during the year, at a certain hour, these four supreme sanctities of the world were joined with one another. That was on the Day of Atonement, when the High Priest would enter the Holy of Holies and there utter the name of God. And because this hour was beyond measure holy and awesome, it was the time of utmost peril not only for the High Priest but for the whole of Israel. For if in this hour there had, God forbid, entered the mind of the High Priest a false or sinful thought, the entire world would have been destroyed.

Got it? This is serious business indeed. A priest by the name of Zechariah steps into this holy event. He and his wife were an old married couple. They'd been childless for so long that they'd given up on having children. Here's the story

Once when Zechariah's division was on duty and he was serving as priest before God, he was chosen by lot, according to the custom of the priesthood, to go into the temple of the Lord and burn incense. And when the time for the burning of incense came, all the assembled worshipers were praying outside.

Then an angel of the Lord appeared to him, standing at the right side of the altar of incense. When Zechariah saw him, he was startled and was gripped with fear. But the angel said to him: "Do not be afraid, Zechariah; your prayer has been heard. Your wife Elizabeth will bear you a son, and you are to call him John. He will be a joy and delight to you, and many will rejoice because of his birth, for he will be great in the sight of the Lord. ..."

Wow. Huge moment here. The entire nation waits with baited breath while Zechariah talks to God on their behalf. Zechariah has probably spent his entire life telling himself "Don't screw up, don't screw up, don't screw up" -- just over the matter of praying. Now he walks into this mostly empty room and an angel's standing there. Surely a miraculous occurrence! How does Zechariah respond?

Zechariah asked the angel, "How can I be sure of this? I am an old man and my wife is well along in years."

Hah! His first response is "Dude, are you for real?" It's the angel's response that really made me laugh though.

The angel said to him, "I am Gabriel. I stand in the presence of God, and I have been sent to speak to you and to tell you this good news. ..."

Translation: "Hi. I'm an angel. Not just any angel. I'm Gabriel. I stand before the throne in YHWH's presence. You're here on the biggest day of your life, the biggest day of the religious calendar -- and you're asking me whether or not you can trust me?"

That just made me laugh. Not so much at Zechariah as at human nature. We're not good at handling surprise and trusting God. Had I been in the Holy of Holies that day, I'm sure I would have reacted just as Zechariah did.

I think the punishment definitely fits the crime:

"And now you will be silent and not able to speak until the day this happens, because you did not believe my words, which will come true at their appointed time."

"You know what -- if you can't say anything intelligent, just don't talk at all. It's safer that way."

So true.

If you're not already keeping tabs on James Lileks' website, you really should start. He has an absolute genius for taking the ordinary events of life and turning then into comedy gold. While there, you can check out the Gallery of Regrettable Food and Interior Desecrations. Also not to be missed -- Ozark Vacation Dee-Lites. You'll laugh, you'll cry. Actually, you'll laugh until you cry.

If you want the unique perspective on every day life, check out the Daily Bleat. I really enjoyed his series on Disney World (part 1, part 2, part 3, part 4).

Here's an enjoyable bit from today's Bleat:

Tonight I made the worst tacos ever. Home tacos never hit the spot like restaurant tacos. I suspect there's one key spice they withhold from the home market, available only to certain people with the right connections. A powerful, shady cabal. Once the mailman delivered a copy of "Taco Insider" to the wrong address, and the entire family disappeared. They found their bodies in a Mexican grave. Cause of death: they'd been smothered with cheese. The ingredient is probably MSG, I know. But I'd like to think it's a special pepper that tastes different than the other peppers. I've always wondered about those "Five Pepper Blends" "“ wouldn't the strongest pepper render the rest moot? No one dumps five different peppers on their tongue, waits for the burn to leave, then picks up the delicate under flavor of the shy, retiring peppers. I know I'll get mail from pepper enthusiasts who could put a habenero up one nostril and a jalapeno up the other and identify them without hesitation, but for me "“ Mr. Oven Mitt Palate, Mr. Asbestos-Glove-For-Tongue "“ I can't tell. Still, home tacos are just off. Tonight I tried Old El Paso's Stand and Stuff Salsa flavored shells. Everyone had the expression of an elderly municipal librarian finding clown porn on a computer screen.

Go. Read. Laugh. Enjoy the stuff of life.

According to p. 127 of The Best, Worst, & Most Unusual, by Bruce Felton and Mark Fowler:

"When a women's collective claimed credit for the bombing of Harvard University's Center for International Affairs, in October 1970, the Cambridge police gallantly defended them.

'This was a very sophisticated bomb,' a police spokesman said. 'We feel that women wouldn't be capable of making such a bomb.'"

PS: Even more ironic is that the 1970 Harvard bombing is primarily remembered by historians as "a moment of light", as the explosives accomplished little real damage to the facility but did successfully unearth the long-lost Bonfil Collection, a set of nearly 29,000 photos of the Middle East so valuable as to be called "one of the great photographic collections of all time." The discovery revitalized the entire institute. Read a full article on it here.

The following is an excerpt from Tony Snow's most recent White House press briefing (held on the 24th):

MR. SNOW: [Saddam Hussein] willingly accepted the feeding tube today. It will be in, at a minimum, until Thursday. It has to be in for reasons that I don't understand for 72 hours.

Q I don't know the specifics, but how does one willingly accept a feeding tube?

MR. SNOW: I guess, you say, do you want a feeding tube? And he says, yes. And they say, okay, we're going to give you one. This apparently was a consensual feeding tubing.

Is anyone else as happy as I am that Scott McClellan has been replaced? Finally we have a White House spokesperson who has good rapport with the press corps., thinks on his feet, refuses to relinquish the dignity of his office and his boss's, keeps his official announcements skimpy on the wordage, and has an honest-to-God sense of humor. I can't believe it; reading a press briefing transcript is no longer headache-inducing. Even if the next president is a Democrat, he/she should keep this guy.

"There's a phrase we live by in America -- 'In God We Trust'. It's right there where Jesus would have wanted it -- on our money."

So opens a segment of The Colbert Report in which Stephen Colbert recites the Nicene Creed, in its entirety. That's certainly not something you hear on television every night.

As Cynthia points out, Stephen Colbert is not your normal comedian. Here's Colbert, in his own words.

I love my Church, and I'm a Catholic who was raised by intellectuals, who were very devout. I was raised to believe that you could question the Church and still be a Catholic. What is worthy of satire is the misuse of religion for destructive or political gains. That's totally different from the Word, the blood, the body and the Christ. His kingdom is not of this earth.

We're, you know, very devout and, you know, I still go to church and, you know, my children are being raised in the Catholic Church. And I was actually my daughters' catechist last year for First Communion, which was a great opportunity to speak very simply and plainly about your faith without anybody saying, 'Yeah, but do you believe that stuff?' which happens a lot in what I do.

I have a wife who loves me, and I am oddly normative. I go to church. I would say that there would be plenty of Catholics in the world who would think of me as not that observant, but for the world I move in professionally, I seem monastic.

(Quotes from the Time Out New York, NPR, and the New York Times.)

I may have Southern roots, but my speech doesn't show it. I suppose this is the result of growing up surrounded by Navy folks, with a Yankee mother and (now) a Yankee wife. I'd say that, generally speaking, it must be impossible to tell where I'm from just by listening to me talk.

Your Linguistic Profile::

70% General American English

10% Dixie

10% Yankee

5% Upper Midwestern

0% Midwestern

What Kind of American English Do You Speak?

(Hat tip to Dean.)

Owen passes along pictures of one impressive wedding cake.

"I'm feeling pretty chipper tonight -- I survived the White House shake-up." -- President Bush, at a recent White House Dinner.

Now that's funny.

Joseph Fischer:

Sex is hereditary. If your parents never had it, chances are you won't either.

Let me share two jokes with you. The first is from the Soviet Union:

Three prisoners in the gulag get to talking about why they are there. "I am here because I always got to work five minutes late, and they charged me with sabotage," says the first. "I am here because I kept getting to work five minutes early, and they charged me with spying," says the second. "I am here because I got to work on time every day," says the third, "and they charged me with owning a western watch."

The second is from America:

Three prisoners were sitting in a U.S. jail, found guilty of "economic crimes" and were also comparing stories. The first one said, "I charged higher prices than my competitors, and I was found guilty of profiteering, monopolizing and exploiting consumers." The second one said, "I charged lower prices than my competitors, and I was found guilty of predatory pricing, cutthroat competing and under-charging." The third prisoner said, "I charged the same prices as my competitors, and I was found guilty of collusion, price leadership and cartelization."

Here's my question for you: should we be concerned that American citizens can now tell the same "it's only funny because it's true" jokes as Soviet citizens?

(Hat tip to: Hit and Run)

It was revealed late last month that the Da Vinci Code has some non-human admirers. In a letter to his nephew, Wormwood, Screwtape revealed his true feelings for this marvelous book:

I surmised it should be well worth the trouble of familiarising you with it, inasmuch as it contains such a precariously towering heap of our very best non-thinking that it is quite dizzying! It has the genuine potential to mislead, confuse, and vex millions! Indeed the mystical sleight-of-hand involved in shoehorning so many cubic yards of gasbag clichees, shopworn half-truths and straightfaced howlers into a single volume simply beggars belief; and if I didn't know that the author had had unwitting "help" from my former colleague, the venerable Gallstone, I simply shouldn't believe it could have been done at all!

Now, Wormwood, before you object to my calling this book "non-fiction""” since it is technically classified as "fiction""” let me say that it is essentially non-fiction, at least as far as our purposes are concerned. That's because its principle delight for our side is that in the tacky plastic shell of some below-average "fiction" the book parades as "fact" a veritable phalanx of practical propaganda and disinformation that would make our dear Herr Goebbels (Circle Eight, third spiderhole on the right) jade green with envy! Souls by the boatload are blithely believing almost all of the deliciously corrosive non-facts that are congealed everywhere in it, like flies in bad aspic, and it is that precisely which most recommends this glorious effort as worthy of our dedicated and especial study.

If you take the time to read the entire letter, you'll be able to read Screwtape's full review of this best-selling novel.

(Hat tip to Right Reason).

Will you sign this petition to end women's suffrage?

Girls at Padua Academy (A "National School of Excellence" according to the U. S. Department of Education) were more than willing to sign on. Any why not? Haven't women suffered enough already? Ending women's suffrage should be a no brainer for everyone!

[tags]suffrage, voting[/tags]

Expert wary of U.S. economy

Is he worried that it will attack suddenly and without warning?

Go see them. I got quite a chuckle out of it.

According to FOXNEWS.COM, the World Rock, Paper, Scissors Tournament (or "RPS" for short) is growing like gangbusters. Check out the website.

It's a fallen world we live in, Folks, yes... but never forget, it's also an entertaining one.